1. What are stressors?
Stressors are what upset us and cause our balloon to inflate. There are basically two things in life that upset us: Bad events and bad problems. Life is full of them: if it is not one thing, it is another. It should be noted here, however, that regardless how bad a stressor is, some good could come out of it in the long run, if one learns to deal with it. Wise people are able to make compost out of garbage life gives them.
Because life?s bad events and problems figuratively pump painful emotions into the mind, let us use a simple bicycle pump as an model for stressors. See picture below. Stressors have something else in common with the pump: they both suck!
Sometimes bad events are beyond our control. Death of a loved one in a car accident is an example. Very often, however, our own behaviors, based on our stupid beliefs, erroneous opinions and distorted views lead to serious bad events. For example, a man who drives his car while drunk ("I am not drunk. I can drive safely") is highly likely to be in a serious car wreck thus injuring himself or others. A lone woman recklessly walking the downtown streets at night ("I don't think these streets are as dangerous at night as they claim!") would find trouble in no time at all. Likewise, loss of job ("I can get away with being late to work"); broken relationship ("I want to possess and control my girlfriend"); accident ("I like the thrill of speeding!"), and other similar bad events are often as a direct result of our stupid and reckless behaviors rooted in erroneous judgment, beliefs, opinions or views. We refer to these people as those with poor judgment.
In bad events, we have actually lost someone or something we are emotionally attached to such as relatives, friends, part of body, health, money, property, self-esteem, liberty, job, love, sense of security, etc. As our mind experiences these objects by means of our five senses, these are often referred to as sense objects. Loss of these sense objects results in the balloon inflating suddenly. Grieving over the loss, accepting it and getting on with life, therefore, are the proper responses to a bad event. Grieving shrinks the balloon and makes stress symptoms go away. It goes without saying that people who are excessively attached to and possessive of sense objects experience more grief than those who are emotionally detached and non-possessive in their disposition. And people who are unable to grieve over losses are unable to shrink their balloon and so are highly vulnerable to stress-related disorders.
In passing, let us examine briefly a few issues related to bad events:
Here is an example of double whammy in the form of behavioral symptoms. A thirty five year old man announced to his wife of 8 years that he no longer loved her, and that he was going to file for divorce. This came as a complete surprise and shock to the wife. When interviewed, he showed no insight as to why he wanted to leave his wife and two boys aged five and three, whom he loved dearly. He simply felt like he did not love his wife anymore and he must leave her. He said he had been feeling this way for about a month. When I asked him questions about his childhood, he revealed that his own father left the family when he was five years old telling his mother that he did not love her. A month before his visit with me, he celebrated his son?s fifth birthday. Shortly after that he developed intense impulse to leave his wife and children. The childhood trauma of abandonment by the father had come back to haunt him thirty years later. Unchecked, this ripple effect of early life trauma could be felt for generations to come. His children could do the same to their children. Millions of couple divorce every year without realizing how they are condemning their own children and grandchildren to this horrendous fate. Many African American men simply abandon their family soon after the arrival of the first baby because of this resurfacing phenomenon. The roots of this sad and deplorable tradition goes back to the days of slavery when able bodied young men were forcibly taken away from their families for sale. I have examined hundreds of black young men who did this to their families without any insight into their behavior. As soon as the child arrives, the father disappears from the scene.
A bad life problem could be genuinely complicated, with no simple solution. Having to take care of a terminally ill or senile parent for years is an example. Very often though, the bad problem is so because the person having it does not have the awareness of the problem (?We have a good marriage even though we have not been intimate in over three years?), or the person does not have the skill to solve it (?I don?t know how to deal with my abusive boss?), or the person does not want to pay the price to solve it (?I cannot just walk away from my rightful inheritance?). Very often we feel trapped in bad problems because none of the available solutions to the problem is acceptable to us.
More often than not, bad problems are our own creations. Our deep-rooted weaknesses such as greed, envy, jealousy, hate, insecurity, low self-esteem, prejudice, possessiveness, false pride, hate, stupid or irrational beliefs, vanity, and consequent actions are the cause of most of our life?s bad problems. For example, an insecure man might buy a big house, a big car and the like to compensate for his insecurity, and consequently get into serious financial problem. A needy woman might marry a rich alcoholic and consequently suffer life-long abuse in his hands. A greedy person, suspending his common sense, might get involved in a bad business venture conjured up by a con artist. People with strong spiritual values (here I am not referring to religious fanatics), wisdom and insight do not easily get trapped into bad problems, and if per chance they do, they know how to walk away from it making the necessary sacrifices.
In bad problems, we have not lost anything as yet, but are constantly fearful of losing someone or something we are attached to (sense objects); relationship, job, money, health, position, status, love, respect, etc. The more we are attached to these sense objects, more we worry about losing them. Creatively and relentlessly searching for an acceptable solution to the hounding problem; and willingness to make the necessary sacrifices (money, time, relationships); willingness to walk away and move on with one?s life are some of the proper response to chronic stress. Recognizing one's inner weaknesses contributing to the problem and working on them helps prevent future problems.
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